"It’s internal. Not external. And you get in a spiral because you already know you’re disappointing Him so you go into sex feeling inadequate already and then that compounds it."
Yes yes yes. The spiral is exactly what happens. How can i feel sexual when i feel inadequate? That isn’t sexy. i don’t feel confident in my sexuality at all, so i feel stupid and embarrassed and just want to hide.
Let’s go out on a limb here. Let’s say boiling water = ready for sex. Just hear me out.
Push a few buttons and tada! Fucking boiling water in seconds. i hate these girls, and find this both unattainable as well as What He Wants.
Gas stove girls:
Pot is on the stove, full of water, and set to a low simmer. Pot is forgotten about mostly until it’s time, at which point the heat is turned up, and the water boils pretty quickly.
Me, aka old wood burning stove girl:
On a good day, the fire is burning but the pot is in the cupboard, since i worry about a pot sitting on the stove all day. What if it starts to boil while i am working! What if it burns down the house! Let’s just keep it in the cupboard until it is time. When it is time to boil water, i go “eeeeep!” and try to get the pot out quickly and filled with water, and onto the stove. By the time my water boils, it seems like it’s been forever.
Sometimes i have to race the fire, as it tries to go out as the day draws to an end. Which will happen first: will the fire go out or will the water boil? Will i fall asleep, too exhausted to do anything, with the water only lukewarm?
On a bad day, there is no fire. There’s no firewood in the house. You want boiling water? Let’s first go chop wood. This has nothing to do with boiling water, You say? Nope, it doesn’t, but it has to be done in order to start the fire which will boil the water. After what seems forever, wood is chopped and fire is started, and everyone is perhaps too fucking annoyed to even care about the water now.
i dont really know how to handle being sexual. There, i fucking said it and admitted it. i compartmentalize my sexuality for specific times and places. When approached and i havent realized it could be one of those times, i am surprised and all “omfg i own a stove?! i forgot.”
i dont want to be this way anymore. It seems natural for folks since they had years to adjust. As their hormones kicked in, they learned. i never did. i had no idea how to handle these feelings, and they were associated with so much abuse, so i ignored them and pushed them away.
i am trying to learn behaviors that just “come naturally” for people. No one can tell me what to do; they all say it is just natural and organic. So i am lost, knowing i am not Doing It Right but having no one be able to tell me how to get better.
Anonymous asked: What do you mean you're not sexual? Your Dom is very hot! Why don't you like having sex with him?
Let’s get this straight: me being afraid of sex or not knowing how to be sexual has nothing to do with whether my Dom is attractive. He is gorgeous. It has to do with the fact that my sexual abuse began before age 2, that i don’t remember a time in my life where sex wasn’t tainted by abusive men in my life. i have worked hard just to be able to have sex. But honestly i don’t know how to express that part of me. It isn’t that i don’t want to have sex, or that i don’t find Him attractive. It is a language that i don’t know how to speak, that everyone tells me should just “come naturally” but it doesn’t, and no one can explain to me what to do when it DOESN’T come naturally.
i want so badly to be like Normal People. i want to know how to be sexual. i want to be the woman that my Sir wants and needs.
After years of pushing down and ignoring my sexuality, i dont know how to fix this. i wish someone could teach me. But instead it seems to be on me. i have to learn to speak a language that i never have heard, and until i do, He will always be disappointed and unsatisfied.
After hearing so much that i am lacking, i dont respond right, i dont act right, i dont show Him what He needs, i feel like giving up.
After so much work, the best He can say is that i have gotten better, and that He has lowered His standards so that He isn’t angry or upset anymore. i am so pathetic that the way He can be happy is to lower His expectations and standards. That breaks my heart.